Ben and Bodies

As regular readers will know, as part of my research I’ve been conducting interviews with people (mostly young women) about their views on their own body hair. I want to tell you about one of the most interesting I did recently.

The interview was with a 21-year old called Ben who identifies as queer, and as a female-bodied man or CAFAB (Coercively Assigned Female At Birth). We agreed to do a formal interview after having an interesting conversation as two strangers one afternoon. I told Ben about my blog, and he said a whack of smart things that I wanted to follow up on.

One of the first things he said when we met for a formal interview was this: “I completely buy the idea that we/they are… being sold this (pubic hair removal) thing, but I don’t buy the idea that it’s what men want on the ground level. I think it’s what a certain system wants.”

Ben has, from the sounds of it, a healthy sense of self and body. He had good body image modeled for him by a mother who was comfortable being naked (and who had “a mound of pubic hair. I had no real point of comparison.”) When he was 12 or 13, Ben says that his mom started to shave his armpits for him, “which I didn’t want, but it was a body odor thing, not a hair thing.”

Ben only has limited use of his hands/arms, and uses a wheelchair to get around. He has grown up having help from others in order to perform many day-to-day tasks, including many aspects around his own body care and grooming.

Ben says he remembers feeling upset by his mother’s tending of his armpits. “I was also confused, because it was not like her to try and compel me into some kind of feminine norm.” Though Ben says he ultimately gave his mother consent to perform the grooming, he says it was “elicited aggressively.” “It was like, I was persuaded, but I really didn’t have a choice,” he explains.

At one point, Ben switched from having his mother tend to his body grooming, to have a female personal support worker (PSW) — a paid stranger — do the job. “I was more comfortable with that, really, than with having my mom do it,” he explains. But Ben says that on more than one occasion the PSW commented inappropriately on his pubic hair — which was as yet untended. “They would be dressing or undressing me, or showering me. And they would like, ask me why I didn’t shave. Or suggest that it would be a good idea. But my mom was really against it. And so then I was able to say no to them because her authority trumped theirs.”

What I find particularly interesting about Ben’s story is in the fact that his coming of age involved the input of a stranger functioning in an intimate capacity. Ben talks about the PSWs being “put off” that nobody was doing any pubic hair removal. Without that intermediary, Ben might not have had any sense, at that age, of what his body was supposed to look like, and had little privacy around his own body/body practices.

“Various people would talk to me about how (having pubic hair) was unhygienic,” he explains, “which is so the opposite of true.” One worker was even aggressive about it — and finally (because he had a crush on her), he let her do it.

Though Ben says he has been realizing how much of his own grooming he can actually manage himself, he was taught “1984 style” that he couldn’t. “I just accepted that, and it’s not entirely true.”

Removing pubic hair to please someone else is not so different from what I’ve heard from a lot of other people about what motivates their body hair practices. In Ben’s case, it was initially to please someone who was saying ‘this is how your body is supposed to be,’ (someone who may have have internalized those messages herself through media, etc) if he didn’t entirely agree with the premise. Ben says that he was partly motivated by the fact that the practice would include touching – which he thought he wanted, but soon found he didn’t.

Ben said a whole whack of other fascinating stuff, which I intend to get posted soon. I think there is a lot to consider around his insights on privacy, body practices and gender, and like with the rest of my interviews, I am so grateful that he has been willing to share his stores and experiences with me. More soon.



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  • Dawn

    As a woman in my early twenties who happens to like her bush, I am still amused how many people (besides my sexual partners) who seem to have an opinion on what I like to do, (or rather “should” be doing) with my pubic hair. I really fail to see how it’s any of their business or concern. Occasionally I have had hairy armpits because I find the skin there gets extremely irritated if/when I shave, and people, including my friends seem to think that it is their job to “remind” me to shave. I didn’t forget, I just chose not to.

    I am unaware if you have seen either the book or documentary of The Petals Project. , which more deals with cosmetic genital surgery than with hair removal, but I digress.
    I watched it in one of my human sexuality classes at university and afterwards my group had a discussion. I personally was surprised that none of the models in the original version had more than a landing strip of pubic hair. I was also the only one in my discussion group to bring up pubic hair, and also the only one to admit to having pubic hair. When I said I didn’t like shaving, didn’t want to and wasn’t doing so, one of my classmates “helpfully” suggested that I should go get a Brazilian.

    I’m very much enjoying your blog, I’d be interested to see how the final paper turns out.

    • Dawn- thanks for your fabulous comments. I’m with you, but then I’m not in my early 20s. Sounds like it takes a certain amount of courage to resist the pressure to be hair-free all the time these days. Yeah- it shouldn’t be anyone else’s business, but part of the reason I started writing this blog is because I was becoming increasingly freaked out by how young women seemed to be getting some strange memo about what ‘normal’ was. I wanted to poke around in that (and hence ‘The Last Triangle’ — the last place of commodification/privacy on the female body, I think). Increasingly young men seem to be internalizing these pressures to remove hair too – but there’s less of an ‘ewww, gross’ factor if they don’t.
      So where’d you get your courage/believes about hanging on to your hair? Who are your influences? And where do you go to school/what do you study? (you can message me privately if you’d rather).

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